The Elegant Universe
"...and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."
Every summer a teenager dies.
And I can’t feel anything but guilt, fear, and confusion. Today a girl at my high school was killed instantly in a car accident. Last year one of my sister’s friends committed suicide. Both were teenagers at the times of their deaths. Another person in my town is currently fighting stage four pancreatic cancer (estimated eleven months to live), something doctors have stated is extremely rare for a fifteen-year-old boy to have. I’m only halfway through high school, and the tally of deaths is already soon to be three. I don’t get it. All these people either already have or are in the process of having their lives taken before even getting to live them. Before figuring out and enjoying any major sect of life. “Killing yourself in high school is like walking out of a movie before it even begins.” Whether suicide, an accident, or cancer, that quote couldn’t be more true. These kids weren’t even given the chance to have an amazing future, and that in turn makes me realize what I need to be more thankful for, such as the fact that I even wake up each and every day. What kills me is how the majority of people in this Bible Belt town believe their deaths are just a part of “God’s plan” and refuse to question that a God exists. I’m not composing this to preach that there’s no such thing, but it’s personally so hard for me to believe that with the events that have taken place just in the last year. Being a Deist, I do believe in a force that put our universe into play, some great gig in the sky, but a loving, nurturing God that constantly watches over His children? I’m not sure. Considering the fact that two out of three of the people mentioned are ironically Christians, it raises the question in my head: Why would God harm his own children? It seems that people here are so afraid to question it, without even fully denying it. Just one of the perks of living in the Bible Belt; question anything about Christianity and you’re almost automatically not accepted. Don’t get me wrong - not everyone here has that mindset. Anyway, I never personally knew any of these kids, but not one of these events has failed to bring me to tears. Not so much in the sense I’ll miss them (like I said, never knew these people), but moreover the facts it happened alone, to someone that age, and to the way a majority of people handle it. I’ve noticed that whenever tragedies like this occur, we all just glorify and grieve in their deaths with talk of ‘angels’ and ‘Heaven’ and Bible verses to hopefully provide some sort of explanation. I have not decided if I believe in Heaven or Hell, but now more than I ever do I wish, with every fiber of my being, there really is a Heaven for these people rest in. Why them? I can’t handle not being able to understand things, such as why life (or lack of it) works out the way it does. It kills me. And what’s worse is that I don’t know how long it will be until I get it. I just can’t stand not knowing. It’s not fair. It hurts more people than the victims. I’m preaching to the choir now, but you get the point. All of this makes me realize the beauty of life in itself - the grandiose gift of being able to wake up and breathe and live and learn every single day. Though I don’t believe in a present God controlling the world under His fingertips, I still believe that everything happens for a reason, that everything falls into place, that some force is at work to make everything balance out in the end. Like Mrs. Russum said, we, as humans, are looking at the underside of embroidery, but as life progresses we see the other, completed, beautiful side of it and finally understand the big picture. My heart goes out to these kids, their families, and their friends; I can only imagine what they’re going through right now.
Collierville, this just hasn’t been your year.
”And as we sat there listening to the carolers, I wanted to tell Brian it was over now and everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus, I couldn’t speak anyway. I wish there was some way for us to go back and undo the past. But there wasn’t. There was nothing we could do. So I just stayed silent and trying to telepathically communicate how sorry I was about what had happened. And I thought of all the grief and sadness and fucked up suffering in the world, and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart that we could just leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically… disappear. ”
”…but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… You will someday.”
